This verse was on my mind when I woke up this morning. Largely because of something I did yesterday, that though it did not immediately harm me, brought fully to my attention, that in many ways, I am exactly as Paul describes himself in this verse. The closer I get to God, the more I yearn for His heart, the stronger the battle becomes to stay on track.
Then, during bible study this morning, I read this verse from John, which started a landslide of thoughts and brought me to write this post.
12But to as many as did receive and welcome Him, He gave the authority (power, privilege, right) to become the children of God, that is, to those who believe in (adhere to, trust in, and rely on) His name. John 1:12
There is a way people have of speaking about becoming a Child of God, that has always baffled me. ”I found Christ.” They say. Or, “I found God.” And though I may not speak it out loud, the first response in my mind has always been, ‘Was He lost? Did you find Him behind the sofa?’
When I look at my own journey towards salvation, and my early childhood, I can see the parallels and the paradox.
I was born to a birth father (an earthly body) who was full of sin and strife, malice,discontent, anger, rage and violence. He was not a good man, and readily admitted that God had called him to be a pastor and he refused. The evidence of his refusal of God was evident in his actions, and his attitudes. For years, he abused my body and tormented my mind in ways that,to me, as a parent, are unfathomable. And yet, I loved him. I was convinced in my mind that he loved me in “a special way” that only a father loves a daughter. The damages of his treatment of me still, some 40 years later, effect my life in ways that often baffle and confound me.
Then, when I was 12, my birth father decided he no longer wanted me. He called my mother and asked her if my step dad would be willing to adopt me. I will never forget that night, nor his tone with me on the phone as he told me, in his own voice and his own words that he did not want to be my dad anymore. I was crushed. I was broken. A fear of abandonment set in, and was compounded by rage, anger, pain that I still cannot describe, and the unstoppable feeling that something was inherently very wrong with me.
But my step father, who I now know was a blessing sent straight from God, loved me with a real love. I will never forget the words he spoke to me that night. He placed his hand along side my cheek and said “Most men don’t get to choose what they want in their children. They’re chances are left up to fate. They may get a boy, they may get a girl. I am lucky because I have always wanted a daughter, and I get to choose you.”
He chose me. What a powerful and life-altering statement.
I still struggled for years with rebellion, and anger. I lashed out at the man who adopted me and often was hateful and mean to both him and my mother. Rather than seeing him as my “salvation” in my time of need, I saw him as an intrusion. He was trying to take my father’s place and I hated him for it. It took years of him loving me consistently, no matter what I did, before I realized that he was my rescuer, my blessing and that he did genuinely love me.
I can look now and see God in the same way. I did not “find” God. He was always there, waiting patiently as I stumbled and fell, made grave mistakes, caused myself worlds of pain, became resentful, bitter, angry and withdrawn. And when I had finally spent all of my energies, God met me there, where I was and said very simply, “I chose you, and I love you.”
God LOVES me! GOD loves ME! God loves ME! What powerful, powerful words.
Now I understand that, as a chosen child of God, I am no longer under condemnation for the sinful battles that rage inside of me. But because of His love for me – because He chose me, I am convicted toward change. The sinful nature (the horrible father) is slowly but surely being removed from my life and a new and wonderful Spirit (the adopted father) is replacing it. I still stumble, I still fall, I still make HUGE mistakes (the years of rebellion and anger) but He is there with me, every step of the way, pointing out to me what I need to let go of, and waiting with me as I grow and change (The years of patients of the adopted father).
This morning, I have confessed my sins and received my forgiveness, and am every so grateful for the oppertunity for a new day.
As Joyce Meyer said, “I used to blame everything on my past. Until one day God said to me, “Joyce, that may be the reason you’ve been the way you’ve been, but its no excuse to go on being that way.”
